29 Mini-Essays by Joe Brainard

PEOPLE

People are the most interesting books in the world.





THE BEACH BOYS

“The Beach Boys” are worth feeling old about liking.





AMBER

What few people seem to realize is that amber is just petrified tree sap.





T.V. DINNERS

Sometimes progress takes too big a bite and ends up with indigestion.




VAN GOGH

He dared look the sun in its face and steal its radiance.




OPTIMISM

Perhaps it is enough to know that nothing will ever be as it was before.




AMERICA

That a giant economy-sized box of “Supreme—Three Ply—Extra Soft—De Luxe” cleansing tissues only costs 39¢ ought, it would seem, to restore one’s faith in something.




MOTHER

A mother is something we have all had.




GIRL SCOUTS

Girl Scouts is more than selling cookies.




IMAGINATION

Imagination is the mother of reality.




PRIDE

Pride creates its own banana peels.




BREAD

Bread is the greatest loaf story in the world.




RECIPE

When in doubt, sprinkle with cheese and bake.




GARDEN

When in doubt, mulch.




FREUD

From Freud we learn that when a wife smashes a vase to the floor, it is really her husband’s head that lies there broken into many pieces.




THE ERA OF MIND

Geology, which is the story of the rocks, finds its climax in the history, which is the story of man… if you get my drift.




AUTUMN

Autumn gets the red out.




WOMEN’S LIB

A woman can do anything she puts her pants to.




PEOPLE

People who need people are the peopleish people in the world.




GARBAGE

As I was saying to my garbage on the way out the door the other night—“Why should I carry you down three flights of stairs? I don’t even like you!”




ON THE OTHER HAND

If you go to bed with your shoes on, you’ll save time in the morning.



EARLY ATHLETE’S FOOT

There is an old saying not to judge a man until you have walked in his moccasins for two moons.




YOU CAN’T LOSE FOR WINNING

He who would give his right arm to be a free man is a free man with one arm.




REMEMBRANCE OF WOMAN PAST

The echo of an interesting woman can be an ordinary scarf.




MOTIVATION

“Some day my prince will come…”




THE TRUTH

It may just be—you know—that “the truth” is far too obvious to risk any comprehension of.




SIGN OF THE TIMES

Would you believe a new Revlon fingernail polish called “Burnt Toast”!




HISTORY

What with history piling up so fast, almost every day is the anniversary of something awful.




PEOPLE

If I’m as normal as I think I am, we’re all a bunch of weirdos.




* Joe Brainard, 29 Mini-Essays (Z Press, Calais, Vermont, 1978)