Saturday, August 30, 2008

Recent Bumper Stickers

I'm Already Against Chain Smoking

Death Will Take Care
Of Your Housecleaning Problems

My Other Car Is A Tube Worm

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Choose One:

A. Spaghetti factory
B. Teenage emotion
C. Dried meat log

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Pride

Pride is like a chicken sitting on a heat lamp, or like a cue ball in your underwear. You don’t even care, do you?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Disorders in Which Laughter May Be a Symptom

Manganese poisoning
Wilson disease
Some types of epilepsy
Alzheimer’s disease
Pick disease
Rett disorder
Angleman disorder
Williams disorder
Some types of schizophrenia
Lou Gehrig’s disease

Thursday, August 21, 2008

L'Envoi

The king has eleven horses. Nine ran away. The queen has ten dogs. She gave six away. Does it bother you that the king has horses and the queen has dogs?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Beach

My girlfriend and I were at the beach when she commented on how appealing she found a seagull that was eating nearby. I told her that it wasn’t cute, that it might not even really be a bird.

Monday, August 18, 2008

How to Write a Haiku

A well-known American poet was asked how to compose a haiku.

“The usual method is three lines,” Ron explained. “The first line contains five syllables; the second line, seven syllables; the third line, five syllables. One of my poems illustrates this:

First: five syllables
Second: seven syllables
Third: five syllables

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Salt & Pepper

I'm in the salt business. We make table salt that we're very proud of — it's very salty. My brother is in the pepper business so we get along quite well. Whenever I go over to his house we show each other our products and see who comes out on top. But we're great pals.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Flag

We were pledging allegiance to the flag and Dad caught me looking out the window. Mom said she didn't think that was very patriotic of me. I said I was looking at the flag outside on the pole. Dad thought it over and said that from now on we were to all look at the flag inside.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Animal Hospital

I went to the animal hospital. A guinea pig gave me a number, a clipboard, and a pen. He read the New York Post.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Spirit of Inquiry

Sasquatch Sightings So Far This Year: 6.7

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Question

What was Henry VIII's real last name?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

A Bronx Woman:

Lindsay is always handing me jars that I can’t open. “Open this jar for me,” she says. Then she leaves the room and I twist and twist. The jar never opens. She comes back in a few minutes, and without saying a word she takes the jar from my hand and opens it. Then she goes about her business until there is another jar to open. “Open this jar for me,” she says. She doesn’t do it on purpose. Not Lindsay. I don’t know why she does it. I know her in person after worshipping her in Get a Clue, Herbie: Fully Loaded, Just My Luck, and Mean Girls.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Stuyvesant Bee, Volume 1, Issue 67