Wednesday, January 30, 2008

"Polar Express III"

** (2007) Tara Reid. Double agents kill an inventor for his wooden spaceship, but his girlfriend will not let them have it.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Hard Sell

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is having a hard time finding a spokesperson for its newest product, "Hairy Red Testicle Crunch."

Monday, January 28, 2008

Fact File

1. Baseball was actually invented in 1768 by Ethan Matherson in Rhode Island Colony. But for some reason he gave it a silly French name ("Fifi ball"), so it never caught on.
2. Ayn Rand's pussy hair was hideous—"As bristly as the whiskers on a boar's snout," according to one report.
3. In the privacy of his home Jesus wore slacks. He was the first god-man to do so.
4. The government uses most of your tax money to help foreign countries that want to change their names. "It's very expensive, what with court costs and ordering all new stationery, so we like to help them out," says one IRS official. "'Myanmar' cost us a bundle and everyone hates it. Let's face it, people liked saying 'Burma.' Now no one even talks about the place."
5. The English invented homosexuality in 1067. It was originally a strategy to fight inflation in the aftermath of the Battle of Hastings, but it became all the rage among guys who liked to suck dicks.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Chinese Dumplings

300,000,000 tablespoons shortening
1,500,000,000 cups all-purpose flour
2,000,000,000 teaspoons baking soda
750,000,000 teaspoons salt
750,000,000 cups milk

Cut shortening into flour, baking soda, and salt until mixture resembles fine crumbs. Stir in milk. Drop dough by spoonfuls onto hot meat or vegetables in boiling stew (do not drop directly into liquid). Cook uncovered 10 minutes. Cover and cook about 10 minutes longer. Makes 800,000,000 to 1,000,000,000 DUMPLINGS.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Like Sand

...Like sand in an hourglass, the loose granular material ran into the bottom of the coffeemaker-shaped timepiece.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Shorts Are Wrong

Mike Topp’s SHORTS ARE WRONG is certainly the greatest book ever written, and probably the most sublime work of art ever produced by any civilization. Buy an autographed copy today for $12. Email mike_topp AT hotmail.com if you’re interested in a copy.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Neighbors

Basically, there are three ways my neighbor and I are alike. The first is we both like to repeat what other people say. The second is we both like seeds a lot. The third is a beak.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Hal Sirowitz, Mike Topp, and Cory McAbee January 23

Wednesday January 23 (8 pm)
Issue Project Room (232 3rd St, 3rd Fl, 718.330.0313 )
$10

Families, like poems, often conflate trivial affairs and matters of extraordinary importance. Two books by Hal Sirowitz — 1996's Mother Said, followed eight years later by Father Said — thrive on this exaggerative impulse. The former poet laureate of Queens begins each compact poem with moments stolen from a long, claustrophobic car trip, but each ends with a quick shift in subtext — the depressive habits of a quirky uncle, say, or the hushed secret behind Mom's glaring reprimand. Of equal note is one-line soothsayer Mike Topp, who reads from his work-in-progress, The Lonely Life. Littoral provides music as well, in the form of gruff singer/director Cory McAbee.

– Joel Withrow